I’m looking for practical ideas on how to use positive reinforcement with children to help them build better self-control. My 6 and 8 year old struggle with impulse control and I want to focus on rewarding good behavior rather than always having to discipline. What specific techniques or approaches have worked for other parents? I’m open to both immediate rewards and longer-term systems that might help them learn to manage their emotions and reactions better.
My 5 year old also struggles with this, especially when they get frustrated or excited. I’ve been trying a reward chart where they earn stars for things like taking deep breaths when upset or asking nicely instead of whining. It’s working some days but not others. Do you find that immediate praise works better than waiting to give rewards later? I’m curious if the age difference between your kids means you need totally different approaches for each of them.
We started noticing wins when we praised the pause itself, not just the final behavior. Like when my daughter stopped mid-tantrum or my son hesitated before grabbing something. Those tiny moments of self-awareness seemed to build up over time.
What helped with my kids was creating little celebration moments when they made good choices before things got out of hand. Like when my younger one would pause and count to three instead of having a meltdown, I’d give them a high five right away and say “I saw you take control of that feeling!” 
For the longer-term stuff, we had a system where they could earn points toward something they really wanted, but the trick was letting them help choose what they were working toward. My older kid wanted a sleepover with friends, my younger one wanted a special day at the park. Having different goals for each age made sense since what motivates a 6 year old isn’t the same as what works for an 8 year old. I also learned that catching them being good when they didn’t even realize it was huge. Saying “You just shared your toy without me asking” or “You walked away when your brother was annoying you instead of fighting” seemed to make them more aware of their own good choices. It took a few months to really see the change, but they started noticing their own self-control more.
One thing that’s worked well for us is acknowledging their effort in the middle of tough moments. When my kids are clearly trying to hold it together - even if they’re still struggling - I’ll quietly say something like “I can see you’re working really hard to stay calm right now.” We also do this thing where they earn “choice points” throughout the week for moments when they show self-control. Then on weekends they get to use those points to pick our family activity or choose what’s for dinner. It’s given them something concrete to work toward, and they love having that power to decide things for the whole family. The points add up slowly, so they’re not expecting instant rewards, but they still feel like their good choices matter.
My daughter and I stumbled into something that worked pretty well last month. She was having trouble waiting her turn during games, so I started pointing out when she was being patient before she even realized it herself. Things like ‘You’ve been waiting so nicely while your friend finishes her turn.’ She got this surprised look like she hadn’t noticed her own good behavior. Now she catches herself doing it and will actually tell me about times she showed self-control at school.