I’m trying to get better at using positive reinforcement with my kids instead of always focusing on the negative stuff when they break rules. I know punishment works but I want to try encouraging good behavior more.
What are some practical ways you’ve found that actually work? Like specific examples of how to reward kids when they do follow the rules without going overboard or making them expect rewards for everything.
Any tips would be helpful - my kids are 6 and 9 if that matters.
My 5 year old seems to respond well when I notice them doing something right without being asked, but I’m still figuring out what motivates them most. Sometimes praise works great, other times they want something tangible. Do you find that what works changes as kids get older? I worry about creating reward expectations for basic stuff, but I also want to encourage the good behavior when I see it.
Making a big deal out of the small stuff has worked really well for us. Like when my kids put their dishes away without being asked, I’ll say something like “I noticed you cleared your plate - that really helps our family!” We also do a marble jar thing where they earn marbles for following rules throughout the week, and Friday night they can trade them for small things like picking the movie or staying up 15 minutes later. Nothing expensive, just little privileges they care about. What surprised me was how much they love when I tell other adults about their good choices. When grandma calls and I mention how well they listened that day, they beam with pride. That seems to stick with them more than candy or toys ever did.
Looking back at my early parenting years, I made the mistake of trying to reward every single good behavior and it backfired pretty quickly. My kids started asking ‘what do I get’ for basic stuff like brushing teeth. What worked better was focusing on natural consequences that felt good. When my kids followed bedtime rules without arguing, they earned stories or extra cuddle time. When they helped with family tasks, they got to help plan weekend activities. The rewards felt connected to what they did. I also learned that being specific with praise mattered more than I thought. Instead of ‘good job,’ I’d say ‘you put your shoes in the right spot and it kept our hallway tidy.’ They seemed to understand better what behavior I wanted to see again. One thing that surprised me was how much they valued one-on-one time as a reward. Twenty minutes of undivided attention playing their favorite game or just talking meant more to them than most material things. Your kids are at perfect ages for this approach 
We started doing catch-them-being-good moments around here and it’s been interesting to watch. When my daughter puts her backpack away or feeds the cat without reminding, I try to acknowledge it right then. Something simple like ‘thanks for remembering the cat’ seems to work better than big celebrations. We also have this thing where good choices during the week earn points toward weekend activities she wants to do. Not buying stuff, just things like having a friend over or picking where we go for lunch. What caught me off guard was how much she started noticing when I followed through on my own promises to her.
High fives and quick verbal praise work well here. Mine respond better to immediate acknowledgment than waiting till later. Also found that earning extra screen time or choosing dinner once a week motivates them more than physical rewards.