I’m trying to figure out the best approach here. My kids are 7 and 10, and I want them to take responsibility for their actions without just punishing them when they mess up. I’ve heard positive reinforcement works better, but I’m not sure how to apply it when teaching accountability specifically.
Like when they don’t do their chores or forget homework, how do you reinforce the behavior you want to see instead of just taking away privileges? Any practical examples would be really helpful.
We started having quick check-ins after they complete something they forgot before. My kids get a genuine ‘nice job remembering’ when they actually follow through. Natural consequences still happen, but acknowledging when they own up to mistakes or fix them has made a bigger difference than I expected.
My 5 year old is still pretty young compared to yours, but I’ve been wondering about this too. Right now when he actually remembers to put his shoes away or feeds the cat, I try to tell him how helpful that was. But I’m curious - do you think the rewards need to get bigger as they get older? I’m worried about creating a system where they always expect something. How do you balance praising them for being responsible without making it feel like a transaction?
One thing that’s worked for us is noticing when the kids do things right and celebrating those moments. For example, when my son puts his toys away without being asked, I might say something like, “I saw you cleaned up your toys - that helps keep our place tidy!”
We also use a chart where they can get a star for completing chores. After collecting a few stars, they get to pick a family activity or enjoy an extra story at bedtime.
When it comes to homework, if they forget something, we chat about how they can remember next time and give them a high five when they follow through later. It’s been amazing to see them take responsibility when they feel proud of their actions!
What helped me was shifting focus to catching my kid doing things right rather than waiting for mistakes. Like when she remembers to put her backpack away or starts homework without reminding, I make sure to acknowledge it right away. Sometimes I’ll say thank you for being on top of your responsibilities today or just give her a thumbs up. We’ve also started doing little celebrations when she shows accountability, like staying up 15 minutes later or picking the weekend movie. The tricky part is being consistent about noticing the good stuff, but it really does seem to encourage more of that responsible behavior.
With my teenagers now, I can look back and see what actually stuck. The rewards definitely don’t need to get bigger as kids age, but they do need to change. My younger one used to love sticker charts, but by 12 that felt babyish to him.
What I discovered is that praise becomes more specific as they mature. Instead of “good job,” I started saying things like “I noticed you got your math homework done before dinner without me asking - that takes real planning.” They rolled their eyes sometimes, but I could tell it meant something.
The transaction worry is real though. Around age 8 or 9, both my kids went through phases where they’d ask “what do I get?” before doing anything. That’s when I learned to mix up the responses. Sometimes it was praise, sometimes a privilege, sometimes just a genuine thank you. The unpredictability actually seemed to work better than constant rewards.
One thing that surprised me was how much they valued having their responsibility acknowledged in front of other people. A quick mention to dad or grandma about how they handled something went further than treats. 