I’ve been thinking about how to teach my kids to be more kind and considerate, and I keep hearing about using positive reinforcement. But I’m not really sure how to put this into practice.
Like, do you reward them every time they do something nice? What kind of rewards work best? And how do you make sure they’re being kind because they actually want to be, not just because they expect something in return?
Would love to hear what’s worked for other parents. My kids are 6 and 9 if that matters.
Catching my kids being kind in the moment works wonders. When my younger one shares snacks with his brother, I make a huge deal about it - ‘Wow, that made me so happy to see you thinking about him!’
We talk about how good it feels when someone’s kind to them. They remember those feelings and start connecting the dots. We also point out kind acts we see around us - at the grocery store, wherever.
The best part? My kids now run up to me excited about kind things they did at school without me even asking. The kindness is coming from inside them now, not just wanting a reward.
We just acknowledge what we see - ‘I noticed you helped your sister with her backpack.’ No rewards or anything. The noticing works way better than treats or prizes from what I’ve seen.
I found that helping my child understand the effects of their actions on others really made a difference. When they share or lend a hand, simply pointing out how it makes others feel seems to resonate more than any tangible reward. It’s great when I hear them come home excited about the kind things they’ve done; it encourages that genuine kindness rather than doing it just for a treat.
Getting the kids involved in family kindness activities really worked for us. My teenagers still remember volunteering at the food bank when they were little, or baking cookies for our elderly neighbor. They saw kindness happening and it became their normal.
Modeling mattered way more than I expected. When they watched me stay patient with a slow cashier or help someone with groceries, they naturally picked up that behavior. Sometimes they’d even call out when I was being kind - pretty sweet.
Intrinsic motivation definitely takes time. My kids went through phases where they expected praise for being nice. But gradually, they started doing kind things without checking for my reaction. Now at 14 and 17, they help neighbors without being asked or defend kids at school because it feels right. 
The shift from external to internal motivation happened slowly, but it did happen. Being patient with the process really helped us get there.
I try to recognize my child’s kind actions when I see them, like helping a friend. But I wonder if verbal praise is more effective than using stickers or other rewards. Sometimes I think too much praise might not feel genuine. What signs do you look for to tell if kids are really becoming kind without needing a reward?