I’m looking for advice on how to teach my kids kindness through positive reinforcement. I’ve been trying different approaches, but I’m unsure if I’m doing it correctly. Should I reward them every time they show kindness, or just occasionally? What types of rewards are most effective - is it better to give praise, treats, or some privileges?
I’m also curious about ways to encourage kindness without it feeling forced or like they’re only being nice for a reward. My kids are 6 and 9 years old, and I’d love to hear from other parents about what has worked for them.
My 5 year old sometimes shares toys with friends and other times he doesn’t want to at all. I’ve been wondering if I should praise him every time he’s kind or if that makes it feel too much like a transaction.
Right now I try to notice when he helps someone without being asked, but I’m not sure how much to make a big deal about it. Do you think kids this age understand the difference between being kind because it’s right versus doing it for praise?
What has your experience been with finding that balance?
What I learned with my two is that the balance really shifts as they get older. My younger one responded well to immediate recognition when I caught him being kind, but not with big celebrations or rewards. Just a simple “I noticed how you helped your sister tie her shoes” seemed to stick.
With my older teenager, I found that talking about how his kindness affected others worked better than any praise. Like when he helped an elderly neighbor with groceries, we’d talk about how that probably made her whole day better.
One thing that surprised me was how much they picked up from watching us be kind to others. They started copying behaviors they saw rather than just doing things for recognition. The hardest part was not overdoing it with praise because then it did start feeling like a transaction to them.
My kids are different personalities too. One naturally wants to help and needs less reinforcement, while the other needed more reminders about thinking of others. What worked for one didn’t always work for the other, so I had to adjust my approach for each of them 
I found that my kids appreciate specific praise more than treats. For example, recognizing them by saying “I saw you help your brother with his backpack” works better than a general “good job.” We moved away from rewarding every act of kindness, focusing instead on acknowledging the bigger moments.
I went through something similar with my child when she would expect immediate praise after each kind act. I realized that I may have been too focused on giving recognition every time. Now, I mix things up; sometimes I acknowledge her kind act later in the day instead of right after. A simple smile or a hug can also reinforce the behavior without making it overly verbal. I find that discussing how helping others feels good works better than just praising her directly. It’s interesting to see her share her happiness from helping others on her own.