I’m trying to figure out the best way to help my kids understand why working on themselves matters without being too pushy about it. I’ve read that positive reinforcement works better than just telling them what they’re doing wrong, but I’m not sure how to actually put this into practice.
Like, how do you encourage them to keep trying when they struggle with something or want to give up? And what kinds of positive reinforcement actually stick vs just feeling fake to them?
Any parents here have experience with this? Would love to hear what’s worked for you.
My kids respond better to specific comments about their effort rather than general praise. Like ‘you figured out that math problem step by step’ instead of ‘good job.’ They seem to actually hear it more.
My 5 year old gets really frustrated when things don’t work out right away. I’ve been trying to notice the small steps instead of waiting for the big wins. Like when he keeps trying to tie his shoes even though it’s messy, I tell him I see how hard he’s working. Sometimes I wonder though, am I praising too much? How do you find that balance between encouraging them and not making every little thing feel like a huge deal?
My daughter has taught me that timing matters a lot with praise. She picks up on when I’m trying too hard to be encouraging versus when I genuinely notice something she did. I’ve found that mentioning her growth during casual moments works better than making a big deal right after she does something. Like bringing up how she handled a tough situation last week while we’re just chatting in the car. She seems to trust those observations more than immediate praise.
What’s worked for my kids is connecting their efforts to things they actually care about. My younger one loves art, so when she gets frustrated with drawing, I point out how she’s gotten better at holding her pencil or mixing colors. She lights up because it’s something that matters to her. I also started keeping a little notebook where I jot down their progress moments - not just the obvious wins but things like when they ask for help nicely or keep going when something’s hard. Then I bring it up later when they’re feeling discouraged. It shows them they really are growing, even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. The fake praise thing is real though. They can totally tell when you’re just saying stuff.
I’ve been through this with both my teens, and honestly, the biggest thing I learned was to let them see me working on stuff too. My 17-year-old used to give up on guitar practice constantly until she started noticing me struggling with learning Spanish on my phone. I wasn’t trying to teach her anything, but she saw me mess up pronunciations and keep going back to lessons.
What really surprised me was how much they picked up on my reactions to my own mistakes. When I’d laugh off messing up a recipe or talk about how I was getting better at something over time, they started doing the same thing. Now my 14-year-old actually tells me about small improvements he’s making in basketball without me even asking.
I also stopped trying to fix their discouragement right away. Sometimes I just say something like “yeah, that sounds frustrating” and leave it there. They often come back later and tell me they figured something out or decided to try again. Turns out they needed space to process more than they needed me jumping in with encouragement.
Turns out they needed space to process more than they needed me jumping in with encouragement.