I’m trying to figure out the best way to set clear behavior expectations for my kids while focusing on positive reinforcement instead of just punishment when they mess up. I know positive reinforcement is supposed to work better but I’m not really sure how to implement it properly.
Like, do you set the expectations first and then reward when they meet them? Or do you kind of do both at the same time? And what kinds of rewards actually work without going overboard?
Any parents here who have had success with this approach? Would love to hear what worked for you.
Years of trial and error taught me that timing matters way more than I thought. I used to wait until the end of the week to acknowledge my 14-year-old’s good behavior, but that felt completely disconnected from what she actually did. Now I catch things right when they happen.
What really surprised me was letting my kids choose their own consequences and rewards. My 17-year-old helped create his list - extra time with friends, picking dinner for the family, or skipping one chore he hates. Having that input made him way more invested in following through.
The hardest part? Actually giving positive attention when they did well. It’s so easy to only speak up when something goes wrong. I had to train myself to look for the good stuff and say something about it
I focused on one thing at a time and made a huge fuss when I caught them doing it right. Started with bedtime - when they brushed their teeth without me nagging, I’d tell them how responsible they were. Way better than the nightly battles we used to have.
We start with stuff my kids already do sometimes and praise them when they do it. My youngest occasionally puts her shoes away, so I make sure to tell her how awesome that is. She started doing it way more just for the praise. For bigger stuff like homework and chores, we sit down and figure out what needs doing. Then I ask how they think they’ll remember. My older kid came up with making a chart - he gets checkmarks for completed tasks, and after hitting a certain number, he picks our weekend movie. Not perfect, but way better than nagging them constantly.
We started simple - dishes in the sink after meals. When my kid did it without being asked, I’d say something like ‘Oh wow, you remembered to clear your plate!’ Felt weird at first, but it beat nagging. Now we do a point system where good choices earn weekend activities. The tricky part is figuring out what actually motivates him since stickers stopped working years ago.
My 5 year old lights up when I catch him doing small things right. He puts his backpack away and I say ‘You remembered!’ - instant huge smile. Still figuring out what clicks with him though. Sometimes praise does it, sometimes he wants something he can touch. Does what works change as they get older? Wondering if I should prep for what might work better when he’s 6 or 7.
