I’m trying to figure out how to teach my kids to be more empathetic using positive reinforcement. They’re good kids but sometimes they don’t really think about how others feel, especially when they’re playing with friends or siblings.
I know positive reinforcement works well for other behaviors, but I’m not sure how to apply it specifically for empathy. Like, how do I recognize when they’re being empathetic, and what kind of rewards or praise would actually help them develop this skill more?
Any parents here have experience with this? What worked for your family?
My 5 year old has moments where she really gets it and shows kindness, but then other times she’s completely focused on herself. I’ve been trying to catch those good moments and really acknowledge them when I see them happen. Like when she shares her snack or asks if her friend is okay after falling. Do you think verbal praise works better than rewards for this kind of thing? I worry about making empathy feel like something you only do for a prize.
What’s been interesting with my teenagers is that they actually respond better to recognition than rewards when it comes to empathy. My 14-year-old started checking on his brother after bad days at school, and I’d mention it to my husband within earshot. Something about hearing that third-person praise seemed to stick more than direct compliments. One thing I learned is that empathy often shows up in small ways that are easy to miss. My daughter might text a friend who’s having a hard time, or she’ll let her brother have the last slice of pizza when he’s stressed about a test. Those moments matter just as much as the bigger gestures. I also found that sharing my own empathy moments helped them see it in action. Like when I’d explain why I brought soup to a sick neighbor or listened to a friend who was upset. They started connecting those dots on their own. The praise that seemed to work best was specific - not just ‘you’re so kind’ but ‘you really understood how frustrated she was feeling.’
We’ve been experimenting with what we call ‘empathy spotting’ around here. Basically, I try to notice when my kid picks up on someone else’s feelings, even if they don’t act on it yet. Like yesterday, she mentioned that her friend seemed quiet at lunch. I made sure to acknowledge that she noticed and asked what she thought might help. Sometimes just recognizing that they’re aware of others’ emotions feels like a win. The tricky part is that empathy moments happen so naturally that I often miss them in the moment.
My kids respond well when I notice them checking in on friends or sharing without being asked. I just say something quick like ‘you saw she was upset and knew just what to do.’ No big rewards, just acknowledging they picked up on someone’s feelings seems to encourage more of it.
I’ve found that pointing out how their actions affect others really helps. The other day, my son helped his sister reach a toy, and I said, ‘Look how happy you made her! She was feeling frustrated, and you helped her feel better.’ His face just lit up!
We’ve also been reading books where we discuss how characters feel. Then, in real life, they start making connections. Like when they notice a friend looking sad at school, they remember those conversations.
I’ve learned that empathy moments can go by quickly, so I try to bring them up at bedtime too. I might say, ‘I noticed how you checked on your friend today when he got hurt.’ It seems to help reinforce those feelings when we talk about them more than once.
