I’ve been trying to shift how I praise my kids and focus more on their effort and improvement rather than just the end result. I know it’s better for their development but I’m struggling with practical ways to do this.
For instance, when my 7-year-old is working on math homework, I want to celebrate her attempts and progress, not just when she gets everything right. The same goes for my 10-year-old, who gets frustrated when he can’t do something perfectly right away.
What specific things do you say or do to encourage the process instead of just the outcome? I’m looking for real examples that have worked for other parents.
This reminds me of when my youngest was around that age and would get so upset if her room wasn’t perfectly clean. I started noticing the small steps she took instead of waiting for the whole job to be done.
With homework, I began saying things like “I saw you try three different ways to solve that problem” or “You kept going even when it got tricky.” For my older one, who’s a perfectionist, I’d point out when he asked for help instead of giving up. That was actually huge progress for him.
One thing that really worked was being specific about what I noticed. Instead of just “good job,” I’d say “You organized your backpack without me reminding you” or “You came back to finish this after taking a break.”
I also started celebrating the messy middle parts. When they’d get frustrated and want to quit, I’d acknowledge that feeling was normal and then highlight what they’d already figured out. My kids responded better when they felt like I actually saw their effort, not just the final grade or clean room. 
One thing that’s worked well for us is creating little checkpoints along the way. Like with math homework, I’ll sit nearby and notice when my daughter erases something and tries again. I’ll say “I love how you caught that mistake and fixed it” or “You’re really thinking through each step.”
For my older kid who wants everything perfect, I started pointing out his problem-solving process. When he gets stuck on something, I’ll mention how he’s taking his time or trying different approaches. He used to just get mad and give up, but now he seems more willing to work through the hard parts.
Sometimes I’ll ask them to teach me what they learned or show me the part they’re most proud of. They usually pick something from the middle of their work, not just the final answer. It helps them see their own growth better.
My daughter used to get so mad when her drawings didn’t look exactly like what she imagined. Now I try to point out specific things she figured out along the way, like how she mixed colors or tried a new technique. Sometimes I’ll ask her what part was trickiest or what she learned while doing it. She still gets frustrated but she’s starting to notice her own improvements more.
I focus on the effort. I’ll say things like, “I noticed you worked hard on that problem” or “You kept trying even when it was tough.” It really helps them feel their progress.
My 5-year-old gets upset when chores don’t go perfectly. I’ve been trying to comment on what they’re doing while they work rather than waiting until the end. Like ‘you’re putting each toy in the right box’ or ‘you remembered to use the dustpan.’ Do you find it helps when you say these things during the task or after? I’m still figuring out the timing.