I’ve been wondering about this lately with my own kids. Is using rewards actually a good way to teach children how to make better decisions? I’m talking about things like sticker charts, extra screen time, or small treats when they choose the right thing.
Some people say it works great and helps kids learn, but others think it might make them too dependent on getting something in return. What’s been your experience? Does it actually help them develop good judgment or does it backfire somehow?
Looking for thoughts from parents or anyone who knows about child development.
We used rewards early on but found they worked better as training wheels than permanent solutions. Both my kids eventually dropped the reward-seeking behavior for most things, but it took longer than I thought it would.
We’ve tried rewards with both kids and honestly, it’s been a mixed bag. My younger child became way more cooperative about bedtime routines when we started letting her pick tomorrow’s breakfast if she got ready without fuss. But my older one seemed to lose interest in helping around the house once the novelty wore off. What’s worked better for us is pairing small rewards with lots of praise about why their choice was smart. So if they share toys nicely, they might get an extra story at night, but we also talk about how good it felt to see their friend smile. The reward gets their attention, but the conversation seems to help them connect the dots about why it matters.
My daughter and I went through phases with this. What surprised me was how she reacted differently depending on what we were rewarding. She’d do her math homework for extra tablet time, but after a few weeks she’d start asking ‘what do I get?’ before even looking at other tasks. Then there were times she’d help her friend at school or share her snacks without thinking about rewards at all. I noticed the decisions that felt natural to her stuck around longer than the ones we had to keep bribing her for.
Looking back at what worked with my teenagers, I found that rewards were most helpful when they were temporary scaffolding rather than permanent fixtures. When my kids were around 8-10, I used rewards to help them build habits like putting away their clothes or finishing homework before playing. The rewards weren’t forever though. What I learned was that the type of reward mattered a lot. My younger one responded better to earning privileges like choosing the family movie night pick, while my older child preferred earning points toward something bigger like a sleepover with friends. The rewards that connected to real-life benefits seemed to work better than just treats or toys. The tricky part was knowing when to phase them out. I started noticing that after a few months, some good choices became automatic. That’s when I gradually reduced the rewards for those specific behaviors. Some decisions did stick without needing incentives, but it took longer than I expected Now at 14 and 17, they mostly make good choices because they understand the natural consequences, not because they expect rewards. The reward phase helped them practice making better decisions until it became more natural.
I’m dealing with this same question right now. My child responds well to rewards for things like cleaning up or being kind to others, but I keep wondering if I’m creating a problem later. Like, will they always expect something for doing the right thing? What I’ve noticed is that some choices seem to stick even without rewards after a while, but others don’t. Maybe it depends on the type of decision? Have you found certain areas where rewards work better than others, or does it vary by kid?